And now for something much more disgusting than my scabby, charred forehead.

Apparently, Americans aren't eating enough chemically-stabilized cream sauces. I mean, sure, you can go out to Olive Garden, Applebee's, or TGI Fridays if you want to smother meat and pasta with some kind of flavored dairy-esque viscous liquid, but what if you're at home?

Taco Bell, why do you make it so difficult for me to love you?

That thing on the left is the new 99 cent Beef Crunch burrito. At the bottom is the beef. Not surprising, really, in a "beef crunch" burrito. Then there's the horrible cheese sauce, always a sign of concern in any Taco Bell menu item.

I believe and hope that the middle section is rice.

Clearly, the rule is this. If you've managed to get yourself a TV cooking show, do not, under any circumstances, rhyme.

I mean, the Next Food Network Star crowned Aarti Segueira, who then hosted a show called Aarti Party, which I stopped watching when she made something called a "Huggy Buggy Bread Pudding", and a part of my soul died forever.

The first cooking show ever to win a War Crimes designation on Forkbastard isn't currently airing on Food Network, but since Scripps never throws anything away (c.f. the Cooking Channel schedule), there's no guarantee it won't appear again, and thus, you should all be warned.

As the name implies, the series follows a group of private chefs, heretofore known as the Douchebags, who are hired for dinners and private events by obscenely rich people, heretofore known as the Motherfuckers. It's the closest any cooking show has ever come to My Super Sweet 16.

OK, I know that this is the second War Crime to feature a wildly inappropriate seafood taco, but goddammit, Taco Bell should not be serving me shrimp.

In case you were wondering, no, I actually haven't done any blogworthy cooking OR eating in the past week. Trust me. You wouldn't even want to know what I've been subsisting on.

But at least it was all seasoned.

Meet Felix Ortiz. Felix Ortiz is a fucking idiot. And I know I usually deal with fucking idiots in the other place, but Felix Ortiz has proposed a food-related War Crime, and so he shall be accused of it here. Plus, he's a New York state legislator (D-Brooklyn) and I covered dumb state legislators half of this week over at YAD.

Bagged salad is a necessary evil.

There are things I don't like about bagged salad. Like paying three bucks or more for 20 cents worth of lettuce. Like that weird smell when you first open the bag, probably from whatever they fill the bags with that isn't oxygen to keep the lettuce from going bad so fast. The fact that I could, if I really, really wanted to, buy lettuce and chop it.

Many of you will have seen this, but what's the point of having a War Crimes section and not documenting things like this? Sandra Lee is to food what Slobodan Milosovic is to uncleansed ethnic groups.

What the fuck is this?

This is Long John Silver's Baja Fish Taco, a culinary item so egregious I'm inaugurating a new section, War Crimes, just to talk about it and its ilk. Things that should not be. Things that even I, with my love of certain fast and processed foods, want to wave a torch and a pitchfork at.