With a new neighborhood comes new neighborhood joints. Even if the neighborhood was one I traveled to a lot before, where the Taco Bell and the Wendy's and the nice pan-Asian places were.

So last week, I read a report that Taco Bell was testing a new menu item. Doritos Locos Tacos.

Having already endured the horror that is the burrito with Flamin' Hot Fritos in it, I know what you're thinking. It's a taco topped with bits of Doritos, because nobody needs that and it would be disgusting. But no. Taco Bell is going one step farther than that.

They appear, through dark wizardry and evil science, to have created a taco shell made out of Nacho Cheese Dorito. And they want to use it to make tacos out of. Loco tacos.

So yesterday, I popped both my food truck and banh mi cherries at the same time. Which I know sounds like it requires more flexibility than a food nerd blogger possesses, but it was surprisingly easy.

I actually don't know how I've managed to go this long without having a banh mi. I've always known I'd like them, because I like every element of the formula. I like meat, I like pickled vegetables, I like jalapeno peppers, I like mayo, and I like fresh herbs including cilantro. I like baguettes, and I like sandwiches.

I'm not sure what to make of this:

Serious Eats' review of the Cantina Tacos

I mean, yeah, their opinion is different from mine. On the Internet, no less. Which means they are Nazi Satan. But all hyperbole aside, it's just so damn wrong.

So on Thursday, drained from a week of chronic back pain and a long day at work, I found myself at Taco Bell for dinner. And I vaguely remembered seeing commercials for new items at Taco Bell, something involving cilantro and lime. I will of course always try any new item at Taco Bell that isn't based around either bacon or lettuce, so I looked.

And I blinked.

And I looked again.

And I blinked again.

In medieval times, chefs developed sauces in order to mask the flavors of meats whose quality had deteriorated over time.

On a completely unrelated note, here's an embedded commercial.

The Italian Beef sandwich is one of those Chicago things. I didn't seek one out while I was in Chicago, because I had more interesting fare in mind, but destiny put one in my hands anyway.

So, how did I end up at Gabutto Burger in the first place?

Just a quick note:

What in the ever-loving cheese-topped holy fuckarito is the deal with Taco Bell's new $2.00 value meals? Ataco, a drink, and... a bag of Doritos?

This isn't fucking Subway. I have never sat in a Taco Bell, dining on a pile of warm fried corn and artificial cheese, and said to myself, "You know what this meal needs? Two ounces of bagged cold fried corn and artificial cheese."

In just a few short hours, something completely stupid and unmomentous will occur. Subway will start serving breakfast.

I don't know who asked for this. I just know it wasn't me. I have never walked or driven past a Subway at eight o' clock in the goddamned morning, and raged at the cold, uncaring universe that kept me from eating there. If you have, I shudder to think at what other perverse notions rattle around in your skull.