Fickle Fork of Fate

The Taco Bell XXL Chalupa

And now for something much more disgusting than my scabby, charred forehead.

Chalupas are nasty. I love Taco Bell in many very, very wrong ways, but the Chalupa is the single worst thing on the fucking menu. The fillings are standard Bell fare, but that shell - a soft flour shell that was deep-fried at some unspecified time in the mists of history, so that it's sort of crispy and sort of stale and all kind of gross.

And if this isn't bad enough, there is still a one in 20 chance that if you order a Gordita, which is the unfried-shell version that I like quite a bit (Chicken Baja, baby!) you will instead receive a Chalupa from the understandably unattentive fast food staff. Blargh.

I have not seen an XXL Chalupa in person. I dare not order one in a restaurant, nor have I seen anyone else dare. But it haunts my nightmares, because it is the unholy union of a Chalupa and a river barge.

Look at that shell! The horrible Chalupa shell, expanded into a rectangular, flat-bottomed form that you know has got to be soggy as hell once it's loaded up with Taco Bell ground beef and its accompanying pool of orange grease. Plus it's got the nacho cheese sauce, which is always a sign that Taco Bell's given up even fucking trying. And "crunchy red strips".

That phrase from Taco Bell's website troubles me. Because red crunchy corn tortilla strips are not exactly an exotic food item. They're cheap as hell to make. So why do the words "corn" and "tortilla" appear nowhere in their description? Is it marketing laziness, or an indication that they are made entirely out of Crunchy Red? And is Crunchy Red also peeeeeeeople? And if Crunchy Red were people, would it still be the second most disgusting thing in the XXL Chalupa?

Yes. Yes it would. Because the Chalupa Barge trumps all. The Chalupa Barge is worse than the experiments with bacon and ranch. It is worse than the Pacific Shrimp Taco. It is even worse than the Chicken Caesar Grilled Stuft Burrito, which filled a flour tortilla with chicken and lettuce and then heated it to about 300 degrees in a press grill, which is always the best thing in the world to do to LETTUCE.

You have outdone yourselves, Taco Bell. Congratulations?