Fickle Fork of Fate

Punch Neapolitan Pizza

I know "pizza" is more of a category than a specific dish, and encompasses food as disparate as crappy takeout square-cut crackers with grease on them all the way to Chicago stuffed pies, but to me, if there is a pizza ideal, it must live in Naples, because Punch's version that they claim is pure Neapolitan is, to me, what pizza should be.

Before Punch's opened near me, I didn't even know Neapolitan pizza was a thing. My pizza preferences were mainly defined by what I had growing up, which was mainly your Pizza Hut Pan Pizza. I mean, I'd had fancy pizzas and flatbread pizzas and such since then, but I liked a thick crust and lots of traditional American toppings.

But Punch blows me away. First it's the flavor of the crust, because it's a good dough, and it's got extra bits of saltiness and the char from the super-hot oven. Oh, that char. Little burnt bits of bread every coupled of bites. It sounds awful, but it's such a good counterpoint to all the other flavors that when you get a bit of it in your mouth the whole pizza just works.

And then there's the toppings. I alluded to this when I talked about the pizzas at Sauce, but the stuff they use at Punch to top their pizzas is first-rate, and it shows. These pizzas are simple. Thin crust, sauce, mozzarella, and a few toppings - just a scattering of them, from meats to vegetables to different cheeses.

And when you hit one, you know it. It's just a little burst of flavor, distinct and separate from the rest of the pizza. It's not some flavor combination, it's a bite of pizza + sliced garlic, or a bite of pizza + mushroom, or a bite of pizza + salami.

That's what I had last night, for the first time, by the way. The salame e funghi - salami, mushrooms, garlic, and fontina cheese. I've developed a love for salamis and related charcuterie in the past few years, and it's amazing what a few thin slices of it can do to one of these pizzas.

The only problem with Punch, at least at the one near me, is actually eating there. It's an awkward space, with little room to walk between the tables, and it's almost always crowded. Even for takeout you generally have to dodge waiters, children, and other customers until they call your number. The place could really stand to be twice the size it is now, with only half again as many tables.

But I still go back, because the food's amazing and the prices, considering what you get, are perfectly reasonable. Oh, sure, if you're hungry enough, all six slices of that $10 pizza will go down in one meal, but usually you'll get two. Not last night, though.

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Square Cuts?

So it's true, you all in the Midwest really do cut your pizza into square pieces. We don't do that in New York. I do remember getting pizza cut like that when I lived in Indiana and how weird it seemed when I moved here and discovered the more traditional triangular slices. My message is: conform!

It's not really the norm...

unless Bryan has found a bunch of Midwestern pizza places that I've never heard of. Mostly the square cut is for thin crust pizzas; I only know of one place that cuts all their pizzas that way (and they really only serve thin crust). As Bryan said, these tend to be like crackers with grease on them. Which I love, from time to time.

I've had it all over

For a sufficiently loose value of all over. It was fairly common in upstate NY. And I've always haaaaaated it.

Square cuts, Punches, Noble Romanses

1. The thin crust, greasy square cuts were a feature of my childhood in semi-rural Ohio. The one place in town that sold them was the local dive bar/den of iniquity, so when we went to pick them up (delivery? In semi-rural Ohio in the 70's? Hah,) Dad made us stay in the car, because leaving your 5- and 3-year-olds alone in a car outside a dive bar on the bank of a creek is much safer than taking them inside. He did take us into the American Legion bar - I sold a lot of Girl Scout cookies to old drunk veterans. Anyway, I have a Proustian fondness for greasy square-cuts.

2. I hate that Calhoun Punch sardine can of a dining room so much, I'll forgo the divine food to avoid it. The Punch on Grand Avenue has at least twice the dining room space and fills it with sedate, older St. Paulites instead of irritating loud Calhoun yuppies and kids. All you have to do is drive to St. Paul... I recommend the Margherita with mushrooms, capers, and onions, by the way, and the artichoke dip is the Platonic ideal of the stuff, or Homer Simpson "Aaaauuggghhhh" good, whichever you prefer.

3. Any other poor benighted fellow Midwesterners remember the real Noble Roman's pizza? I believe they were headquartered in Indianapolis and mainly spread across IN, OH, MI, and IL. They've sold the name to truck stops serving microwaved cardboard now, but in the 80's, they were a real restaurant with awesome tall crust pizzas (kind of a regular crust, but baked in a pan so the crust part was this 1.5" vertical wall - it held all the cheese in) and breadsticks (served with really good nacho cheese sauce, of course, because we just didn't know any better, poor devils.) Senior year we'd drive there over lunch, five or six people stuffed in Jamie Thompson's 1970 Torino Cobra or my 1983 Mitsubishi Starion, because of course we had an open campus, and free parking out in back of the football stadium...then on weekends we'd sit and watch the clouds roll by, and the tall grass wave in the wind.

Punch locations

You might want to try the Punch's by Hennepin & University. It has a bit more space and an outdoor dining area.

You may hate it, but when my

You may hate it, but when my wife and I get the square cuts from Carbone's and their ilk, she gets all of the central cheesy pieces, and I get all of the crusty crunchy outer bits, and both of us are happy.

I would never...

... deny you and your wife your personal happiness. No matter what filthy, disgusting acts it may take to achieve it.

It's called Chicago Cut

Squares of pizza are good! The Paul Revere's Pizza in Des Moines that I delivered for for two years cut their pizzas this way, and I was told that was called Chicago Cut. I personally prefer the crusty edge pieces, but like a central piece now and then of course...

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