There isn't only war, actually. Sorry about that. It's just that ever since Krugman started a blood feud covered by every minor news organization out there, I'm in a feud state of mind.

Anyway, a week or so ago, Ruhlman put up a post called "My Essential Kitchen Tools" on his blog, and I thought I'd just run down his list and see how I compare with world-famous food author, television personality, and Bourdain confidante Michael J. Ruhlman.

KNIVES:

Ruhlman says you need one good big knife and one good small knife. Coincidentally, I own one good big knife and one good small knife. We concur, except that Cathy got me our first proper bread knife for my birthday, and I have no idea what the fuck I was thinking struggling with that shitty bread knife I bought fifteen years ago as part of a $20 set when a tiny outlay of money could utterly transform my bread-slicing experience. So one good big knife, one good small knife, and one good bread knife.

CUTTING BOARD:

Ruhlman demands a Boos. It costs a hundred dollars. It looks like a big thick wooden cutting board. I have a big thick wooden cutting board, too. It didn't cost me 96 dollars. Now, mine may not be maple, and it has no hand grips, and it's not two feet wide because that would put the edge of it into my fromt left burner, but I think I paid twenty bucks for it, because it's a big piece of wood.

PANS:

What Ruhlman says - one each large and small saute pan, and one each large and small saucepan, which I still call small pots. Also one large pot. This is just in the basic silvery metal category. I have like four large pots at this point, in sizes ranging from casual to gifuckingnormous. I don't use my stainless steel saute pans anymore, um, ever, now that I think about it. I use my cast-iron pans or my non-stick or my wok.

DUTCH OVEN:

Here Ruhlman has it all over me, because he loves enameled cast-iron dutch ovens, and I love enameled cast-iron dutch ovens, and he sells books and goes on the teevee, and I buy video games. So he has at least one enameled cast-iron dutch oven, and I have yet to give La Crueset a single penny of my money.

NON-STICK PANS:

Ruhlman says buy an expensive one and treat it nice. Alton Brown says buy cheap ones and replace them when they start to disintegrate. I like Ruhlman a lot, but I trust Brown more, plus it helps me be cheap. One large, one small cheap non-stick, but the small one was apparently too cheap, as the edges are starting to peel after only a few months of limited use.

STANDING MIXER AND FOOD PROCESSOR:

Fuck yes. In fact, I think Ruhlman and I have the same food processor - I just bought mine in white and as a refurb so it cost like half as much.

MANDOLINE:

I don't have one right now, because I thought I wanted the Oxo Good Grips one, got it as a gift, and fucking haaaaaaaated it. Hate. Ed. It. So it went to Goodwill and I haven't gotten around to replacing it. This is the one instance where Ruhlman recommends something cheaper than what I'd been using, so maybe I'll take his advice on a 2- bicl Benrinner.

STICK BLENDER:

He has a stick blender someone gave him. I have a stick blender someone gave me. Mine has a metal shaft.

DIGITAL PROBE THERMOMETER:

Check, though not in the array. I have one remote-probe thermometer that goes up just high enough for fry oil, though my one attempt at using it that way failed miserably. Someday, I want a Thermapen and an infrared thermometer, but I don't need those for cooking, I need them because I'm a NERRRRRRD.

MICROPLANE:

Absofuckinglutely. Zest, grated ginger, grated garlic, grated nutmeg. I have a slightly larger grater I use for hard cheese.

He mentions a scale briefly. I've bought two kitchen scales since I started this site - one because I wanted to measure stuff for Forkbastard, and one because I fucking dumped the fucking first one on the fucking floor and fucking broke it. Huzzah for the monthly Bed Bath and Beyond coupon, is all I have to say.

Things I couldn't live without that Ruhlman fails to mention - my big-ass cast-iron wok. My big-ass cast-iron double-burner combo griddle and grill pan. More prep bowls than I can comfortably store. Garlic press that looks like a tiny ricer. And a bladed egg/mushroom slicer that I never, ever slice eggs with, because hard-boiled eggs are disgusting.