In just a few short hours, something completely stupid and unmomentous will occur. Subway will start serving breakfast.

I don't know who asked for this. I just know it wasn't me. I have never walked or driven past a Subway at eight o' clock in the goddamned morning, and raged at the cold, uncaring universe that kept me from eating there. If you have, I shudder to think at what other perverse notions rattle around in your skull.

Breakfast at Subway isn't just wrong on the merits. It also endangers the regular Subway experience. I mean, it can't be a pleasant place to work. I rarely encounter a cheery sandwich-jockey behind the plexiglass shield, and that's fine. I wouldn't want to be cheery if I were back there in their place.

But if they're understandably surly now at lunchtime, they're going to be understandably homicidal after having to come in to serve omelet sandwiches to undiscerning breakfast-seekers at seven in the ay-fucking-emm. And I don't need that extra helping of hate on my foot-long roast beef, thank you very much.

Apparently they will be offering coagulated egglumps and various morningmeats three ways - on English muffins, on flatbread, and most horrifyingly of all, on standard Subway loaves. Each one comes with a free involuntary shudder. 

But that's not the worst of it. The worst of it comes straight from Subway head marketing whore Tom Pace, who helpfully informed the media that "breakfast items will remain available to order after the traditional morning meal period."

Consider yourselves duly warned, America. If I'm in a Subway for lunch, and your inexplicable desire for noontime fast food breakfast results in me catching a noseful of bad omelet-waft, no jury in the world will convict me for my revenge, which may well include a squeeze bottle full of honey mustard, a handful of banana peppers and your nether regions.